At the age of 16 I was introduced (again actually) to the "drug scene".
This time I looked at it as self medication. If the psycholigists can give drugs to people to
cheer them up, well hey, I can get better ones. RIGHT?
A friend of mine sported me a few roaches and it was on. The next 2 or 3 months I was
on a near continuous high. In a school that at the time was an expireMENTAL school.
A highschool designed for "misfits". An alternative to alternative education.
So, Anyway....
Science fair hehe ..... AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH YEAH!!!!
Let’s see what type of chemicals we can mix together here. Start with a couple flower
seeds and a special recipe and..
So anyway,...
I didn’t need to mix anything. I had friends! ;)
I was at a stage in life where it was time to escape what I seen as “the cage of MY
PARENTS religious beliefs. Time to find my own personal spirituality.
I was asking myself the question quite often; "What is after death?" To me it’s pretty
obvious that there is something. I love philosophy and to me that was the ultimate
philosophical quest of all man kind. I was taking psychology at the time and we were
getting into the ideas of the subconcious and its ties into e.s.p. and clairvoyance.
This is the setting for my mental landscape as my teacher said science fair (and I
consiquently said L.S.D.).
So I said, hey if I happened to be attending a party (totally hypothetically of course ;)
and people happened to be doing LSD. Could I just take and have them take certain tests
to see the effects on the id, ego, and super ego, along with the collective subconcience.
Things such as simple tests of clairvoyance and esp. such as what am I thinking of or
what is on the flip side of this paper, circle, square,triangle, or octagon.
my teacher told me that I would have to make sure that I was not in anyway connected to
the people getting the acid, nor would I be able to ask them to. Nor could I be one of
those that were tested. But that was a logical and scientific question. He also warned that
(OF COURSE ) the names of the people would not be able to be exposed.
Oh man, it was on then. I had a legitimate reason to try and find out the effects of acid,
and hey, if it is all done in the name of science then it can’t hurt. This could also open up
the world of spiritual possibility and understanding. Could I possibly, even see passed
death’s door?
A good friend refused to get me the acid that I requested. (I know I couldn’t take it for
the experiment, but that didn’yt mean I couldn’t do a little personal study on the side.
RIGHT?
Well, hey, it was all good though. My friend assured me that he would go with me on my
first trip so I didn’t loose it. He just wouldn’t get it for me due to my prior arguments
against it. I had other friends though so there was never a problem getting anything I
wanted. I just had to choose the right avenue.
This marks the beginning of my "chemically aided spiritual endevours".
TASTING INSANITIES WARES
An acquaintance one day was reading a book on a bench in the hall. He explained to me
,as I asked, that it was to him what a bible was to a christian. A book of wicca was held
in his grasp. Intrigue flooded my parts as my brain reached to grasp for the reasons.
I thought little of it. By and by more and more friends talked to me about there endevours
into the use of magick (as upposed to magic)
I was afforded the chance to borrow a big blue book of wicca froma friend. He talked to
me about how witchcraft was real and blah blah blah. WHATEVER!!!
So, I am like, well let me see this book and I will find this out for myself.
The book was filled with a lot of nonsence it seemed to me and a few poems that they
refferred to as spells.
I was like, this is rediculous. I can write some poems and "cast" them. I had only glanced
through this book and found it to be of inconcludable ignorance. So in my arrogant
ignorance, I proceded to do just that. I wrote a "spell" to bring forth in a percievable
form, all the demons that were around me and toiling away at my life.
I will not go into the details of that. But I will say that I took certain steps and used a
mirror that I had made certain alterations to when endulging myself in this endevour.
I was alone at the time, in that particular part of the house anyway, and the result of this
"spell" has left a lasting impresssion on me. I indeed seen the demons that were around
me and surrounding me. There were 2 main ones that I seen materialize in the mirror
over my face (that is, my reflection in the mirror). There were others that looked only as
shadows dancing around the outer circle that I was sitting in.
A while later I told my brother while there were a couple friends standing around. They
asked me to do it again. I at first refused. However, after some time of them refusing to
believe such a story, I said, "fine, just one last time".
This time, When I did it again, I did not see anything as I was putting my all into this
"casting" as I wanted to make sure that there was no way that they could ever say that this
was not true again, especially as I hated being called a liar. I nearly passed out from
whatever was happening. I had to forceably make myself quit chanting this "poem/spell"
over and over again as while I was passing out from a strange type of weakness My
mouth kept murmuring this thing.
I found as I turned around like, well it didn’t work, but I swear it did before. Only to my
amazement of everyone setting there in shock. They told me that they all had seen as the
hanging lamp that was over my head stood still in the room yet it swayed as if a great
wind was blowing it when you looked at it in the mirror. They also said that they seen
hair growing out of the ears of my reflection. Not to mention the 2 red pulsating spots on
each side of my forehead.
HEADING FOR SECOND DEATH OVERLOAD
So to make an extremely long story a little less irritating, we’ll just say that this was not
my last endevour into either the effects of drugs or the occult in general. I also had other
incidents lookig into shaminism and the ekenkar (I forget how to spell that one exactly)
philosphy, just to mention a few.
By the time I was 21 I had been into the drug scene for quite some time obviously. I was
hardcore into the undergound anarchist punk scene. I had been taken to jail over an
incident wher there was an 1/8th of marijuana in the vehicle that I was driving in. I was
released and the charge was dropped to possession immediately. I probably could have
gotten the whole thing thrown out, truth be told, but I just wanted out and I knew that
they just wanted my money. So I had 300 in court costs and fines and a boot out the door.
They said that they would strike the incident from my record (which usually takes a while
and you have to meet certain terms and time guides etc..). So hear I am at 21 with all the
drug connections that I cared to have. Having been in jail and out and not given a single
care in the least about the whole thing. I was into the occult more now then ever and had
lived on the street a few different times. Not to mention the cars etc.. that I had resided in
for certain periods of time.
I was at this point working on a connection that would hook me up as a major supplier of
my "drug of choice", Lucy flying high in the Sky with her Diamonds. I had all the money
connections and the people were willing to sit on it for me to make the connect. I was
sooo into the occult and I was reading more and more books to find out the best ways of
using the "powers of the human mind".
I had learned that there are more things to the reality of this life then most will ever want
to admit to (and more then some can deal with). I had heard the messages in simple
things that we as people are more likely to overlook, seen the way the human concious is
indeed collective (for lack of a better description). I had seen a white lighter glowing
green with its "aura". I had enveloped myself in all the things that I could possibly
stomache.
One day when we unfortunately (we as in my drug slingin friends and I) were nearly out
of drugs so we decided that for whatever reason, we would hang on to the last bit til later
on that day. So here I was in an odd sort of way. I was straight (as in to much blood in my
drug stream). We got a ride from a friend of my friend.
During this drive I was talked to by someone. You may know him as lucifer.
I guess he noticed all the favors I had been asking of him and his henchmen. He just
basically said "hi". enjoying your time here? Want to listen to a little music. Through the
things that happened I was let know that I was one of the unforgiven and well the devil
would give me any earthly thing I wanted. I couldn’t get him to leave though. Not with
the choices I was making. See, I was using "the devils hidden secrets" that the world
knows as magick/witchcraft. I didn’t want anything worldly at that moment except to be
removed from him. I wanted a physical seperation from him as I was trying to make a
spiritual one. Yet I did not want to go to God. How could I enjoy all the things that I was
endulging and be a "christian" . That answer was easy. I couldn’t!
I knew enough that Christ was the only one powerful enough to take satan away from me
and assure me of my salvation. I tried desperately with all that I am and everything within
me to remember Jesus loves me. That is all I remembered though. I went to sing the song
and could barely get the tune. I went "jesus loves me......blah blah blah blah jesus loves
me... Man What are the words?" The devil laughed at me and told me how pitiful I was.
I strived harder, "Jesus Loves ME........humm duh ummm... man why can’t I remember the
words?" I remembered that... Jesus loves me, but ...this I DID NOT know.
I went back to my friends house and sat and somberly thought of what I could do. Go to
church, DUH!!!
So I went to church, but I remember going to church thinking "but, I’m not going to cut
my mohawk. That is my pride. I have been working on that for quite some time." I
remember hearing a voice at that time say, "yeah, well.. you are quite a handsome devil.
I went to churcjh for a couple weeks and was given a bible by my cousin who happened
to go to the church that I attended. (Notice I went to church, not to God)
I was not right with God and was not wanting to be. I was wanting to be free from hell
and able to endulge in my preffered poisons etc.. at the same time. I was using religion as
a crutch to aid my illness instead of coming to God to cure it. A couple weeks later I was
toking it up again and I continued to do so for a few weeks.
It was the middle of July when God had me go with a couple friends to my Grandma’s
property behind a house she was renting. There my friend would hand me his dope and
tell me to roll it up.So I, as usual, did.
It was around the time that I started to drop the weed into the paper that God
asked me rather clearly, "What are you doing?". My answer was "What's it look like? I'm
rollin' a phatty." (I still can't believe I said that to God!!!) It was shortly there after that
God had me listen. You wouldn't believe your ears if you heard that which I heard that
night (I know that I didn't!), not at first anyway. As I sat there I had question after
question going through my head. Mostly about what I was doing and what it truly was. It
was evident that what I was doing was jamming to some music and rolling a big ole joint
and getting ready to start on the party. What was really happening was that I was
engulfing myself in sin, I was literally consuming myself with disgust. I listened as God
seemingly opened up the world. Everything at once started talking to me in it's own way.
I heard things tell me of the path that I was on and of others that had taken the same path.
It seemed that the very air I breathed had something to say to me about how I was
conducting my life and God's view on my activities. It told me of the decision that I was
making and that God hated it but in the end it was my decision. I at one point had to have
them turn off the music. Not that that helped any... But they just put in another cd and
even the music was talking to me ( which is why I had them turn it off)
I honestly thought that I was going to go insane because of all that was hapening.
They put in the next cd and I started to relax, as this was my type of music, and I knew
that it wouldn't be talking to me about my sins and disgust and showing me where such
decisions not turned from lead. Lo and behold, it started to tell me of these things. Infact
I think it was telling me more intensely than the other one had if anything. I kid you not,
the way that the lights flickered in that van... Everything was bothering me as it was
telling me I was wrong in what I was doing and that I knew the way out and what it was
all about.
At one point, kind of early on in all of this, one of my friends said to me "It's God
talking to you". He was absolutely correct. I truly believe that I know what it is to feel
somewhat as Job did when God talked to him from the whirlwind. As I sat there and we
goofed around as if nothing was happening to me for a while, I tried with all that is me to
just ignore it. I heard in the laughter of my friends as if their laughter were only there to
mask it, the hideous laughter of demons. I somehow was aware that there were demons
around me and surrounding me.
I again, at one point, remembered that as a child I was saved. Surely that counted
for something I told myself, and I used that as a defense for myself. I was quickly assured
that there can be even saints that turn away and their reward is reaped along with the rest
of the condemned.
I, after a while, was forced to sit back and quit ignoring what all of this was
saying to me and recognize what it was that was going on. At that point, and very
somberly, I sat and listened to everything and took in all that God was revealing to my
eyes. I thought (thought being the key phrase. Never did I udder a sound), I THOUGHT
"it's talking about sin" At the time I had that thought there had been no talking from any
of the three of us for quite an expanse of time. Just after I thought that, as a reply to it my
friend SAID (aloud) "Wow, that's a scary thought" and then, after an intense pause, to
break the tension someone cracked a small joke a few moments later and I heard demons
in voices and in laughter all around me. My friends were laughing together and the
demons were at the same time laughing at me. I can not more fully explain these things
to you as they are beyond explanation. We are definately most wonderfully, and fearfully
made. I can tell you however, I never did hit that joint. In fact, since that night I have not
had any type of drugs. I try to even stay away from pain relievers now.
I was given the choice that night. All the earthly things that I was doing
(sex,drugs,witchcraft,etc...) I could have and lose my eternal reward, or I could quit
poisoning myself slowly on a daily basis, I could get some self esteem and a real life, be
able to quit ducking down alleys to avoid the cops, know that I was more then likely
going to live till the next day instead of vise-versa, get people around me that cared about
me instead of what I could get them or whatever, have a relationship with my heavenly
Father and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ: Who, although He is God, made Himself
lowly and became flesh for the sole purpose of giving His life on the cross that I might
live eternally in a paradise that our greatest dreams could never begin to comprehend!
Now I will tell you the sad part.... I asked God for three days. See, I had already
before I found myself running away from the devil. However, I was not wanting to go to God. This time I was not making a split decision. I
asked for time to choose between life with love or pain and death. I was with God for my
first 16 1/2 years then for the next 5 1/4 I slowly strayed at a rapidly increasing rate until I
was pushing toward the other side almost completely. I took about a day to make the
most major part of my decision. The next day I took deciding if that decision was what I
wanted and deciding what that decision meant. By the third day the fight was on and God
was rearranging my entire life. I am not going to lie to anyone, the fight was not an easy
one, neither was the decision (although if you look at the bottom line, life or death, it
seems that it should be). I basically locked myself in my room for the next week in order
to keep from the temptations of falling back into my old life. During which time I got a
phone call.
Yeah ... remember that phone call. The phone call that I was only that and a
couple trips to a friends away from becoming a major drug dealer and having a couple
thou$and $$$DOLLARS$$$ in my pocket? Yeah, that is the one. My friend calls up and
says " Hey, you happy?" and I was like "Nagh, I don't do that anymore." I have to be
honest. I said that after a pause and alot of dollar signs flashing through my head,and
thoughts of parties,and girls at the parties and well anything that I used to get sucked in
by. I never got the stuff by the way. In fact I avoided seeing my friend for over 6 months
because I knew he would want me to go partying and I was too weak in my faith to say
no for all that long if it was in my face constantly.
Here I am now, a few years and a few months later and God has blessed me with
many things. I had always wanted to travel. I have now traveled over 3000 miles a few
different times and seen alot of country side. God has given me the means through small
and large miracles to do so. I am also married to this beautiful Christian girl here who
loves me with all her heart.
This in truth is a gaunt and pale skeleton compared to the things that happened even
just the night that God spoke to me. That is not to mention the intense month before and around
these happenings or the incidents in the years before this event.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that not everyone has the
multiple chances and callings that God offered me.
I indeed am living proof that God cares enough to, and can bring a person to
himself without our help. However, that is not His plan. He shares the joy of doing the
work of the kingdom with us. As we go about our day, it is then that we have been called
to witness.
Back to my links page